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Oh the woes of being a housewife.

It seems like, instead of getting better, our relationship gets a little worse after every baby. There's always more fighting, more tears, less communication, etc. I'm stressed out from having to take care of two babies at once and I want to be like, "You don't understand, I never planned on this. I've never been a baby person or had the patience to deal with kids." I don't think that Josh realizes that about me. I am more selfish than I let on to be. Sometimes I think I would rather be alone than in the life that I have.

I will probably always be this lonely person. Josh doesn't understand- it feels like no one does. I wonder why i'm even here. It couldn't have been to have kids, millions of people have kids every day. It's not that big of a deal anymore. I've become one of those almost invisible people. I am an after thought- never the main reason for doing something. I'm a maid.

I know material things aren't that important, but it's the gesture that means something to me. For my birthday I didn't get anything and my mom forgot and went out of town. Also, for Christmas I only got something from my mom and nichole. Josh didn't get me anything, even though he could have. Josh and I did nothing for valentines day. There's just no romance. I always had this ludicrous idea that I'd end up with a great romantic love and every day would be amazing. I never thought i'd be stuck at home cleaning up after two kids and a man who seems to take me for granted very often.

The main thing I ask myself everyday is: Why am I here?

Ready to pop.

Love is patient and kind;
love is not jealous or
boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. [I Corinthians]

Probably one of my favorite love quotes- and it's from the bible. Who would of thunk it? Today has been one of those days that starts out bad, got a little better, then got bad again, and now we're at a stand still. I was woken up to bile coming up in my throat, choking and sputtering, I sat up and turned to the side of the bed to try and catch my breath. Before I knew it, I was throwing up bile on the floor. Great way to wake up, huh? The last three days I have had the worst heartburn ever and I am more than ready to have this child. No more heartburn. No more hip pain. I'll finally be able to exercise and get back in shape. I'll be able to feel like a real person again. When you're pregnant everything feels surreal. You feel untouchable. Kind of special. Except towards the end, when you're ready for it to be over with. I have this giant belly poking out in front of m all the time. It's exhausting. How do people let themselves get beer bellies? Crazies.

Today, after the throwing up incident, we all finally got up because the baby was sick of being stuck in the room and ready to get the day started. Josh decided last night that he was going to try to make more of an effort towards spending time with me. I'd finally told him how alone I've been feeling and though it felt good to be honest, it's not the first time I've told him how I'd been feeling and he's promised to give me more attention. It's a fifty-fifty toss up on whether or not it will actually happen. Today was a little better. I just can't wait to feel like a normal couple again. 

I brought up the whole birth control issue last night. It wasn't a complete disaster, but we really didn't get too far. I definitely will work on convincing him. We need to be responsible- we can't afford another slip up. I just need to find a pill that will make him feel comfortable with me taking it. I honestly don't know why he's so against birth control. If anything, more women should be on birth control. This world is overpopulated with enough ignorant, dimwitted human beings as it is- and they just keep procreating! But that's a whole nother entry. 

I must tend to the baby that is crawling all over me now. Ahh the joys of motherhood. 

Two years and two kids later.

It's been a very long time since I've decided to write a blog. I had a lot of entries on here, but I decided to delete them and start from scratch. A clean plate, if you will. 

I'm twenty three. I have one son who is fourteen months old and another on the way (any day now). I've been with my fiance since November 13, 2010. My life has changed dramatically since I met Josh. I've become a mother, I no longer work, and our family is continuing to grow. I'll admit, I'm not always happy with the way things are. Being a stay-at-home mom was never on my to-do list. Honestly, I never thought I'd have kids; Or meet anyone that I wanted to have kids with. It's been rough changing my mindset to that of a conservative, traditional woman. That's probably one of the things he likes least about me- I'm not his mother.  didn't grow up in an Amish town wasn't raised catholic or very religious at all for that matter. I've made many compromises to make him happy and I wonder if it's really fair sometimes. 

It seems we've found somewhat of a happy medium in our opposite ways of life. He tries to make me happy and I try to make him happy. 
Now, we just need to stop having kids! Haha. We were only together for four months before we got pregnant the first time. He was born December 6, 2011. He's the most beautiful child I have ever seen and extremely stubborn like his dad. After this next child, I don't want to have any kids for a long while. Which is a tough subject for me to bring up with Josh. He's firmly against birth control, but I can not keep spitting out kids like this. Emotionally I just can't take it. This has been eating away at me for the past week. I need to bring it up and I don't want it to turn into an argument or for him to completely shoot it down and not hear me out. That probably makes me the most upset. He acts like he is the sole decision maker of everything and he's not. We're supposed to be a team and do what's best for our family- for our relationship. That's what marriage is supposed to be all about, right? Teamwork?

Our communication skills could definitely be better. We don't really argue that much anymore. I suppose we just kind of... don't talk. Since he's been working nights, I have felt very alone. He leaves at one in the afternoon and doesn't get back until probably one or two in the morning. It's been tough on us. He doesn't get to see me or the baby. Then he sleeps until about noon, gets up and gets ready for work. I'm thankful that he has a steady job and one that he likes- but it annoys me when he's home he's talking about something one of his coworkers did or said. It's like he never left work or that's all he thinks about. I sit at home and listen to a crying, needy child all day and would love to get away for twelve hours. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'm sure he would be annoyed with him, too. I miss working. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard work. Cleaning up after people, constantly being needed by someone, being responsible for another persons' well being. It's tough. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I don't have much of a choice anymore. 

Enough complaining for one night. It's nice to be able to write again. I hope I can keep up with it. 



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